Killing in the name of...

Hosea 4:6 "My people are destroyed for a lack of knowledge.." 

I have mentioned in my blog series "13 Pages Deep" that the Bible is a lot like an ancient iPhone in that it seems to have an app for everything. Accommodations and contingency plans have been made for some of the wackiest situations ever imagined. For instance: Not quite sure how to handle your slave girls? In Deuteronomy 21:10-12 you'll find specific instructions on how to prepare any "bond maids" that you might own for sex and marriage. Wondering what you should do if you find a bird's nest in your path? Check out Deuteronomy 22:6-7. How about if your'e unlucky enough to part ways with your penis here on Earth and are wondering if you may still get into Heaven? Well, there is an app for that too in Deuteronomy 23:1. If You should take the time to check out that last passage you will see just how lucky John Wayne Bobbitt was that the police found his member by the road.

Ironically, most people who "swear by the Bible" are probably not aware of most of it's bat shit crazy contents. Apologists will argue that pointing out these insane and often inconsistent passages is simply the uninitiated taking the Good Lord's word out of context. Which is of course hilarious when you consider the fact that the very heart of the Pro-life movement is Christian based, and yet no other book like the Bible advocates killing babies, and not in humane, sterilized medical facilities where favorably the procedure happens at a very early stage of pregnancy, but rather it promotes savagely ripping babies from the bellies of their mothers, who presumably also die. Case in point, God decrees that the infants of Samaria be massacred because "The people of Samaria must bear their guilt, because they have rebelled against their God. They will fall by the sword; their little ones will be dashed to the ground, their pregnant women ripped open." If you have the stomach for that sort of thing, read all about it in Hosea 13. I am compelled to ask ye, all knowing apologist, In what context is it ever acceptable to smash a baby's brains out on the ground? 

Not afraid to get his own hands dirty, and  rather than just sanctioning child and baby murder, god commits the act himself in Exodus 12:29 "And it came to pass, that at midnight the LORD smote all the firstborn in the land of Egypt, from the firstborn of Pharaoh that sat on his throne unto the firstborn of the captive that was in the dungeon; and all the firstborn of cattle." Really? He even killed the firstborn cattle? What kind of diabolical deity extracts this type of revenge all the way down to livestock? Christian apologists have an answer for this as well. They will tell you that since god created all life, he is free by proxy to destroy it whenever he chooses. Want some real irony? Rule number nine of the "Eleven Satanic Rules of the Earth," as it appears in the Satanic Bible is "Do not harm little children." 

Kill, kill, kill! It seems to be the answer to every problem in the book that we are instructed to receive our moral guidelines from. Perhaps you are not familiar with the bible, and if you read this far already and are bereft of an acute, morbid fascination with murder and mayhem, you may choose pass on this vile work of fiction. However, most people are at least dimly aware of the  Decalogue, or Ten Commandments. Perhaps at least a few of the biggies like thou shall not commit adultery, steal or kill stand out. The bulk of the commandments are pretty much instructions on how to stroke god's ego, but certainly the crowd pleaser has to be "Thou shalt not kill," right? Well, let's take a look at the actual commandments, in their entirety, at least as they appear in the King James version of the Bible to garner some perspective:

 I have used the Homeland Security Advisory System to color code their weight of importance, at least as I see them, when used as rules to govern a moral society. 

The Ten Commandments
(As written by the finger of God, and delivered, at least twice, by Moses.)

1.Thou shalt have no other gods before me.

2.Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image, or any likeness of any thing that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth. Thou shalt not bow down thyself to them, nor serve them: for I the Lord thy God am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children unto the third and fourth generation of them that hate me; And shewing mercy unto thousands of them that love me, and keep my commandments.

3.Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain; for the Lord will not hold him guiltless that taketh his name in vain.

4.Remember the sabbath day, to keep it holy. Six days shalt thou labour, and do all thy work: But the seventh day is the sabbath of the Lord thy God: in it thou shalt not do any work, thou, nor thy son, nor thy daughter, thy manservant, nor thy maidservant, nor thy cattle, nor thy stranger that is within thy gates: For in six days the Lord made heaven and earth, the sea, and all that in them is, and rested the seventh day: wherefore the Lord blessed the sabbath day, and hallowed it.

5.Honour thy father and thy mother: that thy days may be long upon the land which the Lord thy God giveth thee.

6.Thou shalt not kill.

7.Thou shalt not commit adultery.

8.Thou shalt not steal.

9.Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbour.

10.Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's house, thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's wife, nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his ox, nor his ass, nor any thing that is thy neighbour's.

Well, it took a while, but at least killing is covered by number six.This would probably be a prudent time to point out that the bible sanctioned punishment for breaking any one of these rules is death. Earlier, I mentioned the "Eleven Satanic Rules of the Earth," and as point of interest, and in no way as a means to promote the Satanic Bible, here they are for your consideration:

The Eleven Satanic Rules of the Earth
(by Anton Szandor LaVey ©1967)

 1. Do not give opinions or advice unless you are asked.

2. Do not tell your troubles to others unless you are sure they want to hear them.

3. When in another’s lair, show him respect or else do not go there.

4. If a guest in your lair annoys you, treat him cruelly and without mercy.

5. Do not make sexual advances unless you are given the mating signal.

6. Do not take that which does not belong to you unless it is a burden to the other person and he cries out to be relieved.

7. Acknowledge the power of magic if you have employed it successfully to obtain your desires. If you deny the power of magic after having called upon it with success, you will lose all you have obtained.

8. Do not complain about anything to which you need not subject yourself.

9. Do not harm little children.

10. Do not kill non-human animals unless you are attacked or for your food.

11. When walking in open territory, bother no one. If someone bothers you, ask him to stop. If he does not stop, destroy him.

Oh, and as another fine point of interest...

Okay, so where were we? Oh yeah, Kill, Kill, Kill!. So what else might you be killed for justifiably in the Bible? As it turns out, a shit ton of things, for instance:

* If an animal steps out of line, kill it. "If an ox gore a man or a woman, that they die: then the ox shall be surely stoned."-Exodus 21:28

* If some one steps out of line with an animal, kill them. "Whosoever lieth with a beast shall surely be put to death." -Exodus 22:19
And if a man lie with a beast, he shall surely be put to death: and ye shall slay the beast." -Leviticus 20:15
"And if a woman approach unto any beast, and lie down thereto, thou shalt kill the woman, and the beast: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them." -Leviticus 20:16

* Have a problem with god, and speak in a non-flattering way to, or about him, you die. "He that blasphemeth the name of the LORD, he shall surely be put to death, and all the congregation shall certainly stone him." -Leviticus 24:16

* Thinking about getting some yard work done on Sunday? Dead, dead, dead! "Ye shall keep the sabbath therefore; for it is holy unto you: every one that defileth it shall surely be put to death." -Exodus 31:14
"Six days may work be done; but in the seventh is the sabbath of rest, holy to the LORD: whosoever doeth any work in the sabbath day, he shall surely be put to death." -Exodus 31:15
"Six days shall work bedone, but on the seventh day there shall be to you an holy day, a sabbath of rest to the LORD: whosoever doeth work therein shall be put to death." -Exodus 35:2

* Want to crack wise with your Mom or Dad? Sorry kid, your'e a goner. "He that smiteth his father, or his mother, shall be surely put to death." -Exodus 21:15
"He that curseth his father, or his mother, shall surely be put to death." -Exodus 21:17 "For every one that curseth his father or his mother shall be surely put to death: he hath cursed his father or his mother; his blood shall be upon him." -Leviticus 20:9

* Cheating on your wife? Guess what pal, you and your lady friend are going to the big "Motel No Tell" in the sky. "And the man that committeth adultery with another man's wife, even he that committeth adultery with his neighbour's wife, the adulterer and the adulteress shall surely be put to death." -Leviticus 20:10


* Keeping slaves in the Bible is perfectly acceptable, but if you steal one, you are up shit's creek without a bull whip my friend. "He that stealeth a man, and selleth him, or if he be found in his hand, he shall surely be put to death." -Exodus 21:16

* Perhaps you had the heinous misfortune of being raped, well you better cry about it as convincingly as the best Hollywood actress because there might not be an Oscar in your future, but there will certainly be a lot of stones. "If a damsel that is a virgin be betrothed unto an husband, and a man find her in the city, and lie with her; Then ye shall bring them both out unto the gate of that city, and ye shall stone them with stones that they die; the damsel, because she cried not, being in the city; and the man, because he hath humbled his neighbour's wife: so thou shalt put away evil from among you."-Deuteronomy 22:23-24

* Gay? Better keep that freak flag in the closet because..."If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them."-Leviticus 20:13

* We already know that worshiping false gods is a big no-no, but in case you missed the point... "He that sacrificeth unto any god save unto the LORD only, he shall be utterly destroyed."-Exodus 22:20

* Like to "keep it in the family" you sick bastard? "And the man that lieth with his father's wife hath uncovered his father's nakedness: both of them shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them." -Leviticus 20:11
"And if a man lie with his daughter in law, both of them shall surely be put to death: they have wrought confusion; their blood shall be upon them." -Leviticus 20:12
"And if a man take a wife and her mother, it is wickedness: they shall be burnt with fire, both he and they; that there be no wickedness among you." -Leviticus 20:14
(Of course, there is no mention of Lot's daughters paying this supreme price for their indiscretions with their father where they plied him with wine and both got themselves impregnated by him.)

* So your'e saving yourself for that special someone? Well you better be because come the big night and your new hubby suspects that you might be experienced, you could have a problem. "If any man take a wife, and go in unto her, and hate her ... and say, I took this woman, and when I came to her, I found her not a maid: Then shall the father of the damsel, and her mother, take and bring forth the tokens of the damsel's virginity unto the elders of the city in the gate.... But if this thing be true, and the tokens of virginity be not found for the damsel: Then they shall bring out the damsel to the door of her father's house, and the men of her city shall stone her with stones that she die: because she hath wrought folly in Israel, to play the whore in her father's house: so shalt thou put evil away from among you." -Deuteronomy 22:13-22

* Looking for alternative enlightenment? Thinking joining a Wicca coven? Think again witchy-poo. "Thou shalt not suffer a witch to live." -Exodus 22:18

* And finally, after all of this killing, if you kill, you will be killed.
Who so sheddeth man's blood, by man shall his blood be shed. -- Genesis 9:6

Exhausting isn't it? And this is only the tip of the iceberg in terms of the lunacy that awaits you in the bible. I have one more list of rules for you. More like guidelines if you will. They were written by  Robert Fulghum and are as follows:

ALL I REALLY NEED TO KNOW I LEARNED IN KINDERGARTEN

Share everything.

Play fair.

Don't hit people.

Put things back where you found them.

Clean up your own mess.

Don't take things that aren't yours.

Say you're sorry when you hurt somebody.

Wash your hands before you eat.

Flush.

Warm cookies and cold milk are good for you.

Live a balanced life - learn some and think some and draw and paint and sing and dance and play and work every day some.

Take a nap every afternoon.

When you go out in the world, watch out for traffic, hold hands and stick together.

Be aware of wonder. Remember the little seed in the Styrofoam cup: the roots go down and the plant goes up and nobody really knows how or why, but we are all like that.

Goldfish and hamsters and white mice and even the little seed in the Styrofoam cup - they all die. So do we.

And then remember the Dick-and-Jane books and the first word you learned - the biggest word of all - LOOK.

Even Arnold would agree, kindergarten was plenty informative.

Sapere aude, (Dare to know) my friends and may Zeus preserve you!