THIRTEEN PAGES DEEP: Page Five, Part One

"Religions are the conclusions for which the facts of nature supply no major premises"
Ambrose Bierce

Believe it or not folks, we still have another whole page yet to examine before we are finally through with Noah's fantastic voyage. Just like page four, I will be splitting five into two parts. There is entirely too much lunacy here to gloss over quickly. Hopefully you visited the link I provided at the end of my last posting to examine some of the questions posited by Mark Isaak. Although I suspect most of you probably don't require too much more evidence to be convinced that this story doesn't hold water. In modern times, when the validity of this tall tale is questioned we are told that it is allegory. That while the Bible is the literal word of God, we shouldn't take it literally. Confused yet? Well it could be worse, it wasn't that long ago when you could be burned at the stake for pointing out biblical absurdities and inconsistencies.

There was a time when "debating" Christianity was ill advised.

Alright, let us now gird up our loins as well as our suspension of disbelief for the task at hand. Page five begins with Genesis 7:20, "Fifteen cubits upward did the waters prevail; and the mountains were covered." Basically, what we are being told here is that up until this point, it rained at such a rate as to be just around twenty-six feet shy from the top of Mt. Everest. Then, by the end of forty days, it rained enough to cover it's peak. By this account it rained fifteen hundred feet per day. So, lets put our thinking caps on. There are one thousand, four hundred forty minutes in a day, that would mean twelve and a half inches of rain fell each minute.  Not only would the friction created by the energy of so much rain falling at once create enough heat to boil everyone alive on the ark, it's downward force would be powerful enough to sink an aircraft carrier, let alone a wooden ship made by a goat herder in the desert. I really would like to drop the mic at this point, turn my back on the crowd and saunter off stage, but for shits and giggles, let's continue...

Genesis 7:21 draws the natural conclusion to completely submerging the earth under water, "...all flesh died that moved upon the earth,..." Um, duh. It goes on clarify what is meant by flesh, i.e. fowl, cattle, beast, creepy crawly things and of course, man. And just in case you didn't get the point, Genesis 7:22 needlessly adds, "All in whose nostrils was the breath of life, and all that was in the dry land died." This, my friends, makes for a wonderful children's story. Imagine the abject horror of knowing that EVERYONE and EVERYTHING, except for your few family members, died a violent and painful death.

 The 2011 Tohoku earthquake and subsequent tsunami, claimed 15,878 lives, injured 6,126, and left 2,713 people missing. So far, 1.5 million tons of debris have washed up on the shores of North America. Authorities are now warning that in the coming months, hundreds of bones are on the way and will also begin washing up, most of them will be feet in sneakers. Horrible right? As powerful of a demonstration of the capacity of nature's devastation as the Tsunami was, it pales in comparison to the aftermath of a "global flood." Imagine the gruesome carnage that would be left in it's wake. People, if you are spinning this yarn to your children, at the very least, don't make it a bedtime story.

Perhaps tales of global genocide aren't the best choice for children, rainbows or not.

A really good point is raised in Genesis 7:23 "And every living substance was destroyed which was upon the face of the ground..." Yeah, guess what. When you cover grass, trees, shrubbery and all other forms of vegetation under miles of water for over a year, it all dies. And much more than likely, never to return again. Which begs the question, what did Noah, his family and all the animals do without these things when they got off the boat? But let's not get ahead of ourselves, more hilarity is set to ensue. This joyful passage concludes with "...and Noah only remained alive, and they that were with him on the ark." Right.

Chapter seven concludes with 7:24 and some more math. "And the waters prevailed upon the earth an hundred and fifty days." So, we add 150 days to the original 40 days of rain and we get 190. Which means we are now a little over six months into this ridiculous nautical farce. Perhaps "the waters prevailed" meant as long as the ark had it's full draught of water. One scholar has pointed out that "It is probable that they were still rising during the first half of the 150 days, and then gradually sinking during the other half." I would like to point out that it is as equally "probable" that blue monkeys flew out of Noah's ass.

It is quite possible that this blue monkey flew out of Noah's ass.

Chapter eight. "And God remembered Noah, and every living thing, and all the cattle that was with him in the ark:..." I should hope he remembered them, considering that he had just killed every other living organism in the known universe. "...and God made a wind to pass over the earth, and the waters assuaged." What kind of wind "assuages" 4.4 billion kilometers of water? You know what, never mind. Anyway, God simultaneously turns off the spigot of "the fountains of the deep" and the "windows of the heavens" thus ending the most fantastic rainstorm that never happened.

In Genesis 8:3 we learn that God must have installed one hell of a French drain system in the earth during the creation because after he puts a cap on his cosmic fire hydrant "...the waters returned from off the earth continually: and after the end of the hundred and fifty days the waters were abated." after this amazing display of drainage, we arrive at Genesis 8:4. "And the ark rested on the seventh month, on the seventeenth day of the month, upon the mountains of Ararat." 

So, what do we know about Mt. Ararat? well, today it is a snow capped, dormant volcano that last erupted in 1840.  it's elevation is 16,854 feet and it is located in Turkey. it is the national symbol of the Republic of Armenia, and is prominently displayed on it's coat of arms. Why? Well, in Armenian mythology, Mt. Ararat was believed to be home to the Armenian gods. These deities were thought to hang out high in Mt.Ararat's peaks in much the same way that Zeus and his posse malingered atop Mt. Olympus.

Zeus and pals, chillin' like a villain. 

It is believed that ancient Armenians were originally worshipers of nature who eventually made the shift to a pantheon of national gods , many of which were the basic equivalents of the gods in the Roman, Greek and Persian cultures. Very little is known about Armenian mythology because after their national religion became Christianity, they burned all of the old temples, Songs and poetry, leaving very few trace remnants of information behind to decipher. Today, 97% of Armenians are Christian. But what caused this left turn from polytheism to monotheism? Well, that's an amusing story as well.

The story begins with a fellow by the name of Tiridates III The Great, who was the son of king Khosrov II of Armenia. In 252 CE a Parthain agent named Anak, (He was actually a Arsacid prince) was contracted by Ardashir I (The first king and founder of the Sassanid Empire.) to put a hit on Khosrov II, which he successfully completed. Anak was captured and killed for his crime, as were most of his family because that's how they rolled back in the day. Anak had an infant son who survived his family's massacare. The baby was whisked away to live secretly in Caesaria, in Cappadocia. (historical region in Central Anatolia, Turkey.) Tiridates III, now the only air to the throne, was also whisked away as an infant, (This is starting to sound a little like the back story to Dreamworks Animation's  movie "Megamind.") to Rome where he was raised and schooled in languages and military warfare. He became known as "a brave and strong warrior who participated in many battles against his enemies." In short, he was a bad ass dude.

Tiridates III of Armenia, aka BMF.

The Parthians by now had been replaced by the Sassinids, who were the last pre-Islamic Persian empire which encompassed all of modern day Iran, Iraq, Afghanistan, Eastern Syria, Armenia, Georgia, Azerbaijan, Dagestan, Southwestern Central Asia, parts of Turkey, some coastal parts of the Arabian Peninsula, the Persian Gulf area and bits of Pakistan. In 270 CE, Roman emperor Aurelian had to engage in battle with them as they encroached on Rome's Eastern front. Aurelian was able to drive them back and in 287 CE Tiridates returned to Armenia, as the true heir to the Persian occupied Armenian throne. He raised an army and drove the Persians out of Armenia for good.

Upon his triumphant return to Armenia, Tiridates III established the city of Vagharshapat, which was to be the capital city of his kingdom.(As it was in the days of his murdered father before him.) Remember the infant son of Anak the assassin? Well he turns up again while Tiridates III is holding shit down in Armenia. His name was Greg, (Grigor Luisavorich). Later Greg would be known as Gregory the Illuminator, but we'll get to that in a bit. Anyway, feeling guilty about his father's crime, Greg joins the Armenian army and actually gets a gig as Tiridates III's secretary. He was a Christian convert, as were a lot of folks in Armenia by the end of the third century. However, most people were still pagan polytheists, as was their good King Tiridates III who worshipped various ancient deities. Needless to say, Tiridates III and Greg's relationship was doomed from the very start.

One fateful day, on the feast of the goddess Anahit, Tiridates III told Greg to lay a wreath of flowers at the feet of her statue. Greg refused, declaring his Christian faith. Bad idea. Tiridates III was infuriated by this infraction and his mood didn't improve when others chose this timely occasion to inform him that Greg was the son of his father's assassin. This awkward moment brought about a sour note to Anahits ceremony. Tiridates III rectified the situation by tossing Greg into Khor Virap, a hellish, underground dungeon where Greg was tortured and literally left to rot.

The pagan goddess Anahit. She may not look like much now, but she was a beautiful bronze statue back in the day. The head currently resides in the British museum. Hopefully the Brits will see fit to return her, as the Armenians have lost so much of their ancient culture.

While Greg withered in the bowels of Khor Virap, a group of virgin nuns, seeking asylum from religious persecution in Rome fled to Armenia. Tirridates III heard about these nuns, more directly he had heard that one of them was a complete hottie. He had the nuns brought to his palace and demanded that Rhipsime, the aforementioned hottie, marry him. When the virgin nun refused he saved face by torturing and killing all of them. Legend has it that Tiridates III then went mad and wandered around in the woods "like a wild boar." His sister, Kosrhovidukht, had a dream that Greg was still alive and was the only person who could save Tirridates III from his madness.

The pit at Khor Virap, where Greg was left to die.

Thirteen years had passed since Greg was left for dead without food or water, Considering this, Tiridates III did not have much faith in Greg being in any kind of condition to help anyone. However he gave into his sister's persistence and sent for him. He fully expected to be presented with a pile of bones, but instead, Greg was miraculously still alive, albeit severely malnourished. Overwrought with emotion, Tiridates III was said to be cured of his illness upon seeing Greg and instantly made Christianity the official religion of Armenia, thus making Armenia the first Christian nation in the world. He also made Greg, now Gregory the Illumionator, Catholicos, or leader of the Armenian Apostolic Church. Gregory personally baptized Tiridates III and after his death, Gregory would be canonized as the Armenian Apostolic Church's patron saint.
Talk about a comeback!

The transition from Pagan Polytheism to Christianity did not not go smoothly. When met with resistance, Tirridates III tried to use armed force to convert the Pagans. Battles erupted between the kings army and the Pagan resistors. It was Tirridates III who destroyed most of the countless temples and statues and had burned many of the pagan written documents, leaving Armenia bereft of huge chunk of it's history and culture. Tirridates III died in 330 CE. It is believed that he was poisoned by his members of his own royal kingdom.

It was later discovered, or perhaps known all along by others that a kindly old lady had kept St. Gregory the Illuminator alive while he was imprisoned by tossing him a loaf of bread every day. So much for miracles.

Breathtaking view of the monastery Khor Virap with Mt. Ararat in background. As a typical "Ugly American" I never realized Armenia was so beautiful. But seriously, you can see a couple of giraffes and EVERY other living organism on the planet  making it safely down that mountain, right?

So, based on the many speculated upon places of origin for the starting point of the Noah's journey, we are to believe that the ark traveled at the least, just over five hundred miles and at the most, just under a thousand miles before coming aground atop Mt. Ararat. That's a pretty neat trick when you consider that the ark was cast about for over a year, rudderless, weathering a storm in orders of magnitude large enough to cover the entire earth's surface above, and beyond it's highest peak. Yet, I suppose it's not too far fetched when you stop and think about some of the things we have been asked to believe thus far. And folks, I remind you, we are not even at the half way point of page five.


Genesis 8:5 "And the waters decreased continually until the tenth month: in the tenth month, on the first day of the month, were the tops of the mountains seen." According to Bishop Usher, this would be Sunday, the nineteenth of July. Don't ask. Anyway, Genesis 8:6 says, "And it came to pass at the end of forty days, that Noah opened the window of the ark which he had made:" You know, the one 18" x 18" window that served as a vent for fresh air and to release smoke from cooking and the stench of 16,000 animals and eight humans for over a year. Yeah, that one.

Noah chucks a dove out the window, (pictured about actual size.) while the raven busies itself eating dead things.

Genesis 8:7-12 is just about verbatim a rip off of the old Sumerian texts, which again, predate this story somewhere between 1,000-3000 years. It's the bit about tossing birds out the window to see if they come back to determine whether or not there is any available dry land. Who said theists were un-scientific? But, before we examine these avian antics, I want to take a moment to recall an amusing little incident that occurred quite recently. An event that has some spurious ties to Genesis 8:7-12.

On August 7, 2012, heavier than normal monsoon rain inundated huge portions of the Philippines. It rained about 20 inches in one day in the capital city of Manila alone, displacing 130,000 people. Someone named "God Almighty" on the social networking site twitter, posted, "Genesis 8:7-12 is about Noah's ark. Today is 8-7-12." (it was, if you were to write the date the way Americans do, with the month first.) If you want to follow God almighty on twitter his account name is @Godstagram. As of this writing, he/she has 101.2k followers. I am not one of them. The tweet was retweeted nearly 10,000 times that day. The topic began to trend very quickly and by the day's end the trend had reached number two worldwide.

SPOILER ALERT! At the end of Noah's story, God promises not to drown the world out again. These folks have nothing to worry about.

Some people felt that this flood was God's wrath since the Filipino House of Representatives had just finished debates about their very controversial Reproductive Health bill. The bill would ensure universal access to contraceptives and sexual education for the people of the Philippines. The bill was signed on the Mayan projected end of the world, December 21, 2012. It is important to remember that 90% of the Philippines is Catholic. It is equally important to remember that August is the exact middle of the Philippines monsoon season. So far, no gods, Mayan or otherwise have returned to smite the Filipino people for the heinous sacrilege of trying to prevent unwanted pregnancies and the spread of sexually transmitted disease. Let's keep our fingers crossed.

So Noah chucks a bird out the window, a raven. According to translations of this verse, the raven flew around, ate from some floating dead things, and either returned to the ark to perch and was not admitted inside again, or In other accounts, "it was seen no more." Perhaps it went to visit a lonely old man who was mourning the loss of his lover, Lenore. "Nevermore."

"That's so Raven."

Noah then launches a dove from the ark, but the dove "...finds no rest for the sole of her feet." (It turns out that the shapes and sizes of bird's feet are used to learn a lot about the ecology of different species of birds, and that they do all in fact, have soles. I checked.) So the dove with the tired soles returns to the ark, whereupon Noah assumes the entire world is still under water and brings the dove back inside. Seven days later he tries again. This time, after some mucking about, the dove returns "and lo, in her mouth was an olive leaf pluckt off:" So Noah knew that the waters were abated off the earth." This leaf would have had to have been from a very special type of olive tree indeed.  Perhaps one that only existed in biblical times. An amphibious olive tree that could survive both underwater, withstanding immense pressures at great depths, for over a year, and then thrive on land when the waters receded. I want a couple of those olives in my next martini!

Noah chills "yet another seven days; and sent forth the dove; which returned not again unto him any more." Genesis 8:13 continues, "and it came to pass in the six hundredth and first year, in the first month, the first day of the month, the waters were dried up from off the earth: and Noah removed the covering of the ark, and looked, and behold, the face of the earth was dry." According to Bishop Usher this would be Friday, October 23, 1657. In the AM. I shit you not.

We'll finish this time with Genesis 8:14-17, which reads, "And in the second month, on the seven and twentieth day of the month, the earth was dried. And god spake unto Noah, saying, Go forth of the ark, thou, and thy wife, and thy sons, and thy son's wives with thee. Bring forth with thee every living thing that is with thee, of all flesh, both of fowl, and of cattle, and of every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth; that they may breed abundantly in the earth, and be fruitful, and multiply upon the earth."

And in my head I see Giraffes, and rhinos, horses, elephants and dinosaurs, and all manners "of all flesh, both of fowl, and of cattle, and of every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth" cascading down the sheer rock cliffs of Mt. Ararat's peaks in a giant, phylogenetically correct avalanche of death. And that kiddies, is the story of why there are no animals on the face of the earth today. No, wait, that's not how the story ends. When next we meet in Page five: Part two, we shall learn the true end of this cherished, amazingly genteel children's story.

Until then, may Zeus preserve you.