13 PAGES DEEP: PAGE THREE

"It's Not My Turn To Watch Him."

 "If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed."
Albert Einstein

Page three is partly the story of Cain and Able and mostly a list of who beget who. We will touch upon this list of proliferation and unbelievable lifespans, but first the more juicy tale of jealousy and murder. Cain and Able share the unique distinction of being the first two "naturally" born people on Earth. However, that is where the similarities stop. If Abel was a little bit Country, Cain was definitely a whole lot Rock n Roll.

The first pregnancies had to have been a harrowing experience. Adam and Eve would have been clueless and thus terrified of the situation. (Although they presumably would have learned a few things from the first pregnancy, such as that the baby could or at least should be separated from the umbilical cord.)  Imagine Eve's plight though, nine months pregnant with no midwife and a bound duty to be subservient to her husband, Adam. To make matters worse, God had enhanced the pain of child birth as part of punishment for her fruit snack . I did not detail it earlier but the exact words in Genesis 3:16 were, "...I will greatly multipy thy sorrow and thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children..." We should wonder how "greatly" he multiplied it and whether or not dispensing a 9-15 lb baby from one's vagina was originally intended to be a painless affair.

Eve may have been even more apprehensive about the success of these births if she could have been aware of a magical place called "Limbo." That very special realm that Catholic priests would invent thousands of years after her lifetime, (and millions of years after the actual first woman.) The practice of Baptizing infants is not mentioned anywhere in the Bible, except perhaps indirectly where on two different occasions where households were Baptized. (1 Corinthians 1:16 & Acts 10:24-48) Yet Theologians felt compelled to come up with some explanation as to what may or may not happen to innocent souls who pass into oblivion un-baptized. As a result, Catholic priests have taught since at least the time of Augustine (354-430) that when babies died, because they were free of personal sin and yet still bore the stain of original sin on their tiny souls, they would go to an eternal waiting room. Opinions on the status of babies in limbo vary in description from existing in a "state of maximum natural happiness" to receiving "mild punishment."

The word punishment, mild or otherwise always makes me nervous where religion and the Bible are concerned. Take the case of what happened to the poor sot in Numbers 15:32-36 who had the miserable misfortune of being discovered gathering sticks on the Sabbath. When the sons of Israel caught him in the act they detained him and brought him to Moses and Aaron. Moses was unsure how to go about administering justice for such a heinous crime so he turned to the expert on punishment, the Lord God. "And the Lord said unto Moses; the man shall be surely put to death: all the congregation shall stone him with stones without the camp." So quite naturally, "...all the congregation brought him without the camp, and stoned him with stones, and as he died; as the Lord commanded Moses."

This was not just a random instance of God having a bad case of the "Mondays." In a conversation with Moses that takes place in Exodus 31:14-16 he makes it perfectly clear that the death penalty for all those who work on the Sabbath shall be his law forever- "Ye shall keep the sabbath therefore; for it is holy unto you: eveyone that defileth it shall surely be put to death: for whosoever doeth any work therein, that soul shall be cutoff from amongst his people. Six days may work be done; but in the seventh is the sabbath of rest, holy to the Lord: whosoever doeth any work in the sabbath day, he shall surely be put to death. Wherefore the children of Isreal shall keep the sabbath, to observe the sabbath throughout their generations, for a perpetual covenant."

We shouldn't confuse the Sabbath for the day of rest that God took after the creation. The Sabbath is a special day that God gave to his chosen people, the Israelites. It is intended to help them remember the day he delivered them from slavery. So in order to commemorate this great moment in history, (Of which till this day, not even Jewish archaeologists have found a single shred of evidence.) God demands that all Israelites remain in their homes on the Sabbath and not lift a finger to do work. If your neighbors should discover you doing yard work, they will be required to kill you, preferably with stones. This is pretty tight logic. God would like you to take it easy on the Sabbath to reflect upon your emancipation from grave injustice, however, the physical labor of hurling stones at someone to kill them when they don't rest is a perfectly acceptable activity.

Take a brief moment to consider what it might feel like to have people throw rocks at you until you die.

Back to the mild punishment as it pertains to dead babies. In this instance would pertain t the denial of the "beatific vision" and any hopes of ever being able to obtain it. In short, these babies would never see God. At least they are spared the stones. However, Rejoice! There is light at the end of this very long, and darkly disgusting 800 year old tunnel. In 2007, Pope Benedict XVI, after reviewing a 41 page report from the Vatican's Theological Commission, decided that there was no limbo after all. Well, that should certainly help to soothe the souls of those who lived and died for centuries thinking their dead children would never go to heaven.

There are no written accounts of the births of Cain and Abel. No where in the Bible is there any mention of the boy's early development. We don't even know if Eve kept a scrap book. The boys are already involved in their respective careers at the outset of the story. "And Abel was a keeper of sheep, but Cain was a tilller of the ground." So one was a sheep herder and the other was a farmer. They somehow knew that of their herd and crop they should make a sacrifice to God in an attempt to assuage the injustice perpetrated by the talking snake and their hungry "help meet" mother.

The details of these offerings are described in Genesis 4:3 "And in process of time it came to pass that Cain brought of the fruit of the ground as an offering unto the Lord." And in Genesis 4:4 : "And Abel, he also brought of the firstlings of his flock and the fat thereof." There is a bit on this first born offering business in Exodus 13:2. It is a tet-a-tet between God and Moses, "Sanctify unto me all the firstborn, whatsoever openeth the womb amoung the children of Isreal, both of man and of beast: it is mine." Since this dark passage was written allegedly by Moses, who was separated in time from Cain and Able by at least two millennia, it therefore could not serve as instruction to the boys. Most believe they learned how to please the Lord from their parents. Yet how would Adam and Eve have known? Did they Ask God, or did he tell them? I know from my own personal experience that if I have to ask my wife- or have to be told by her what makes her happy, it's already a lost cause.

Of the two, God prefers Abel's offerings to those of Cain's. It is unclear why. Perhaps Cain's offering was spoiled or it's portion parsimonious in comparison to Abel's. There is not much information here, but it almost seems like God wanted to instigate trouble between the boys. That, or perhaps God just wasn't into the vegan scene. There is a Bill and Ted-Like reference in Hebrews 11:4 (which may or may not have been written by Paul.)  about God finding Abel's offering "more excellent" than Cain's. God then ascertains through Abel's gift "that he was righteous." Perhaps this is true because he absolutely beams about Abel's sacrifice in Genesis 4:4, "And the Lord had respect unto Abel and his offering." Then he basically pisses on Cain's, "But unto Cain and his offering the Lord had not respect."

Anyone who has ever raised children understands that no matter how bad the finger painting is, you must praise the child. Those with multiple children also know that if one of your kids is a budding Rembrandt, and another is struggling to make stick figures that they both should get equal refrigerator space. Are we not all God's children? Is not Cain basically God's very first Grandchild? There is a disparity in righteousness because Abel was thoughtful enough to needlessly destroy an animal and Cain only offered of his crop? Are we to believe that this caveman mentality is the basis of what is needed to guide our moral compasses today?

So quite understandably "...Cain was very wroth, and his countenance fell." Then God, who is either a sociopath with no gauge for social graces, or is just not too quick on the uptake asks, "Why art thou wroth? And why is thou countenance fallen?" Adding in Genesis 4:7, "If thou doest well, shalt thou not be accepted? And if thou doest not well, sin lieth at the door... " By way of biblical fun fact, this is the first, in over 2,000 mentions of the word sin in the Bible.

In September of 2005, a Danish newspaper called the Jyllands-Posten ran a series of twelve editorial cartoons, most of them depicting the prophet Muhammad. The paper contended that these cartoons were an effort to contribute to the debate pertaining to criticism of Islam and self censorship. Well they opened quite a can of worms to say the very least. The net result was over two hundred deaths, the bombing of the Danish embassy in Pakistan as well as fire being set in the Danish embassies in Syria, Lebanon and Iraq.

After the cartoonist behind one of the drawings, Kurt Westergaard was attacked by an axe-wielding maniac that nearly killed him and his granddaughter, he went under the protection of the Danish Secret Service. He is still under their protection till this very day. So are, incidentally, eighty-seven other men who bear the cosmic misfortune of being named "Kurt Westergaard."

One would think that this would be a golden opportunity for the world to show solidarity against such radical fundamentalism. Or at the very least, a clear cut violation of freedom of speech here in the United States. Our constitutional values did not however, outweigh our fear of maniacal Islamic reprisals. Not a single publication in America ran the cartoons even as an example of the absurdity of the issue. Overwhelmingly, many people who's very livelihoods depend on our first amendment right blamed the Cartoonist and his employer for "inciting" the controversy and subsequent deadly violence.

Pope Benedict XVI, who brought us the stunning limbo revelation condemned them as well stating, "In the international context we are living at present, the Catholic Church continues convinced that, to foster peace and understanding between peoples and men, it is necessary and urgent that religions and their symbols be respected." He also added that "believers of various religions should not be the object of provocations that wound their lives and religious sentiments." I wonder just how wounded the hundreds of people who died unnecessarily over a cartoon felt?

I also wonder if the Pope, or anyone else would condemn God in the same fashion? If anyone, anywhere on earth, or in the universe for that matter could ever possibly be aware that his actions would be the object of provocation and that a life was going to be wounded as a result, wouldn't it be the creator of everything himself? Yet despite his omniscience, God allows the the Cain vs Able situation to come to a head.

It just so happens that Cain is somewhat of an excitable boy and after a chit chat with his younger sibling, "...it came to pass, when they were in the field, Cain rose up against Abel his brother, and slew him." So apparently the first naturally born person on Earth was also the first bat shit crazy murderer. Civilization is off to a great start so far. Who could have known? Oh yeah, God, who asks rhetorically, "...where is Abel thy brother?" And Cain, who is clearly a psychopath feigns ignorance and answers, "I know not: Am I my brother's keeper?" God, clearly undaunted by Cain's sarcasm asks, "What hast thou done? The voice of thy brother's blood crieth unto me from the ground." Creepy.

God comes to the end of his rope with this situation and gets down to doing that which he does best, administering punishment. Since God has to listen to the cries of Abel from the ground he decides to use the ground to punish Cain. In Genesis 14:11-12  he tells him that he is "cursed from the earth..." and that no matter how hard he tries to work the land, it shall bear no crops for him. He shall be forever a "...fugitive and a vagabond..." God's removal of his ability to capitalize on his only skill and the idea that he would be a lonely wanderer prove to be too much for Cain. He whines to God in Genesis 14:13, "My punishment is more than I can bear." And clearly more concerned with his own well being then that of his  murdered brother he continues moaning in Genesis 4:14," Behold, thou hast driven me out this day from the face of the earth; and from thy face shall I be hid; and I shall be a fugitive and a vagabond in the earth; and it shall come to pass, that everyone that findeth me shall slay me."

Okay, let's do a brief headcount here. Let's see, there's Adam, Eve, Cain, and  Abel's body. (which is currently turning into fertilizer in the field.) So we can all imagine a sign right now that reads, "Welcome to Earth, Population 3." So who the hell is Cain worried about that might findeth him and slay him? Well you have to skip ahead a little on the page to Genesis 14:25 which reads, "And Adam knew his wife again," (Again, we see that the word "knew" clearly means to copulate, this will be important later.) "and she bare a son, and called his name Seth: for God, said she, hath appointed me another seed instead of Abel, whom Cain slew."

So how does Seth the replacement kid tell us anything about the mysterious other people that Cain is concerned might do him harm? We must skip just a little further ahead into chapter five for the last clue. Genesis 5:3 tells us that "...Adam lived an hundred and thirty years, and begat a son in his own likeness, after his image; and called his name Seth." So you see, it's all very simple. Adam, who lived for 930 years had a son to replace Abel when he was a spry 130 years old. Since Adam's age at the birth of Cain and Abel is conveniently not mentioned in the Bible, and because Seth is mentioned as "another seed instead of Abel"  and not as child #3, we could easily assume that Adam and Eve could have conceived the boys shortly after their exodus from Eden. This would leave over 100 years for them to have many children who could have then gone on to spawn continuing generations. Ta da!

So rather than pulling out the world's smallest violin and playing it just for Cain, God shows some sympathy for his plight in Genesis 14:15, "And the Lord said unto him,  Therefore whosoever slayeth Cain, vengeance shall be taken on him sevenfold. And the Lord set a mark upon Cain, lest any finding him should kill him." After hearing this, Cain slunk away to malinger "in the land of Nod, on the east of Eden." Eventually Cain finds a wife and  "knows" her. She has a baby named Enoch and together Cain and his wife build a city that they name after their first born. Some critics of the Bible make much of this city building, wondering how just the two of them could construct an entire city. I think it is important to note that cities in that area and in that time would have consisted of little more than tents and campfires. So I am willing to concede that Cain could have built the city of Enoch, especially if you toss in all of his potential cousins who could have been there to lend a hand. Besides, no longer a farmer he would need a new job.

Okay, on to all the begetting. Enoch eventually had a kid named Irad, Irad begat Mehujael, who begat Methuseal, who begat Lamech. Lamech was the first pimp because he was said in Genesis 14:19 to have "took unto him two wives," Adah and Zillah. Adah bare Jabal, Jabal was is said to be the inventor of tents and cattle herding, which completely fucks sideways this timeline, but hey, what if not any of this makes sense? Anyway, Jabal had a brother named Jubal, Jubal invents the harp and organ, which is believed to mean that he invented string and wind instruments, Jubal's other mom Zillah also bare Tubal-cain who was the inventor "of every artificer in brass and iron" and therefore the world's first arms dealer.

 Apparently, Lamech, the pimp, has a beef with another guy who tries to kill him. Lamech kills said dude in self defense and brags to his ladies about it. Adah and Zillah become quite worried about Lamech's safety. Lamech tells them not to worry, he has the situation under control because by his reasoning, "If Cain shall be avenged sevenfold, truly Lamech seventy and sevenfold."  This quote is actually said to be part of an ancient song that was called the "Song of the Sword. " This may be a clue as to what means this hostile stranger died by at lamech's hands. (Don't forget, his son Tubal-cain made weapons.)

 Honestly, this is the only bit of logic thus far that actually does make sense to me. If God would protect Cain against those who might take umbrage with the fact that he killed his own brother in cold blood, surely Lamech can not be blamed for protecting himself. Lamech should feel justified. Now back to the begetting. As previously mentioned, Adam knows his wife again and she bears Seth. Seth has a son named Enos, whose birth takes place about 240 years after the eviction notice at Eden and brings us to the end of chapter four. It also marks a notable occasion. At this time , man starts to call God when they need him. Until this point no one ever initiated conversations with God, they were simply talked to. Thus humbly began the trickle of prayers that by now must rage as a cacophony of billions of prayers that God picks through and decides who shall live, who shall die and who shall win the Super Bowl.

Chapter five is the other half of page three and basically a recapitulation of the earth's original genealogy, beginning with Adam and ending with that great seafarer, Noah. It is a more comprehensive look as it details other offspring and the exact lifespans of individuals. These lifespans average just over 900 years. No explanation is given as to why these antediluvians lived such long lives. We are  somehow supposed to just accept that people used to live for nearly 1,000 years without proper medical care, or even toothpaste. No amount of sarcasm or silliness that I could conjure up would be funnier than what is in this video I found on this Christian Apologist website. It was created by a man named Matt Slick. (I shit thee not) Mr. Slick is the president and founder of the Christian Apologetics and Research Ministry  If you have a moment, click the this link... Matt Slick's "Theory" It is a very short video and is what's commonly known as "found humor."

I have to be honest with you, page three was fun but it has completely worn me out. I have apparently hit the wall where pretending to suspend my disbelief is concerned. I need to take a break and get some rest. And we are definitely going to need a respite in preparing for page four where we will build an ark with a a man who is nearly 500 years old. We will do this because we need to gather two of every living creature on Earth in preparation to weather God's fury and the perfect storm.

Rest well, and may Zeus preserve you!

13 PAGES DEEP: PAGE TWO

"TWO TICKETS TO PARADISE"

"We are stardust."

"We are golden."

"And we've got to get ourselves back to the garden. "

"Woodstock," by Joni Mitchell

Not one to rest on his laurels, God is back in his workshop and even though the entire planet is essentially one big unspoiled garden, he decides to make a special retreat for his very first human. Construction begins in Genesis 2:9, “And out of the ground made the Lord God to grow every tree that is pleasant to the sight and good for food…” As an extra added bonus he tosses in “…the tree of life in the midst of the garden, and the tree of knowledge of good and evil.” Continuing on something like a real estate ad for Eden, Genesis 2:10-14 depicts a lovely river that runs through the garden that then sprouts into four other rivers. “And the name of the first river is "Pison.” That is said to run through “the land of Havilah” where there is not only “gold,” but something called “bdellium” which is an aromatic, myrrh-like gum that oozes from a certain type of tree, and finally “the onyx stone.”

We are then told that “the second river is Gihon,” said to “compassath the whole land of Ethiopia.” Thirdly, there “is Hiddekel: that is it which goeth towards the east of Assyria.” And last, but not least, the eternal “Euphrates.”

Location! Location! Location! It is eminently paramount in real estate, but not so much in the Bible. In this instance it seems to be located at the headwaters of the Tigris and Euphrates rivers. In other places in Genesis it is also found in Iraq, Africa and the Persian Gulf. Further along in Ezekiel it is specifically said to be in Lebanon. Wherever it is at this point, God lays down some ground rules for Adam. He tells him he is free to eat from any tree in the garden “But of the tree of knowledge of good and evil, thou shalt not eat of it: for in the day that thou eatest thereof thou shalt surely die.” It is interesting that Adam, a definite newcomer to the Earth and its biology, is merely warned to stay away from this one tree. We shall learn in a bit that he is offered to freely consume all other plants and animals. It is interesting because we know a little something today that the authors of the Bible seem to be unaware of, and that is that a shit ton of things have adverse effects if eaten. Adverse effects that range from mild discomfort to severe illness to finding out definitively if there is life beyond death.

It can be argued I suppose, once you have suspended enough disbelief to buy the story from the start, that Adam was created immortal and was never intended to leave the Garden of Eden. However, that assumption would lead one to wonder why God would spend six days laboring on an infinite universe to house one little garden. At any rate, Adam appears bored and listless in paradise so God comes up with a remedy. He tries to amuse him by parading a conga line of animals past Adam to see what he would name them. He is hoping that among these creatures, Adam will find a “help meet,” which is a Hebrew term meaning literally “one who helps.” When this game grows tiresome for Adam God decides to make him a playmate and builds him a woman. He puts Adam to sleep and removes one of his ribs. From this rib he creates Eve, who Adam initially refers to simply as “woman.”

This woman, as it turns out is quite a “help meet” indeed. She happens upon a snake in the garden who strikes up a conversation with her. One has to wonder if all animals can talk at this time or just snakes. Eve’s demeanor gives nothing away as she converses with the snake the way she might with Adam. The snake slyly asks, “hath God said, ye shall not eat of every tree in the garden?” Eve lets the snake know about the strict no fruit of the tree of knowledge of good and evil diet God has placed them on. She tells the snake that God said that if they so much as touch its fruit, they would “surely die.” The snake informs her how foolish this sounds, (this coming from a talking snake.) and says that the worse that would happen would be that “your eyes shall be opened, and ye shall be as gods, knowing good and evil.” That evidently sounded good to Eve because right down the hatch went the forbidden fruit. Then, because she is a good helper, she brings some to Adam to for him to eat and he does. As a result they are instantly and painfully aware of their nudity and become so freaked out by this fact “that they sewed fig leaves together, and made themselves aprons” to cover up their naughty bits.

Many believe that this snake is actually Satan. However, while Ezekiel 28:13 says of Satan, “Thou hast been in Eden the Garden of God.” The orthodox view is that this snake was simply the first victim of “the devil made me do it.” Now, upon hearing the voice of God as he strolled “though the garden in the cool of the day” Adam and Eve jump into the bushes to hide themselves. The all seeing creator of everything does not see them and calls out to Adam, “where art thou?” Adam answers, "I heard thy voice in the garden and was afraid because I was naked; and I hid myself.” God demands.”Who told thee that thou was naked? Hast thou eaten of the tree whereof I commanded thee that thou shouldest not eat?” Adam, with his bare back to the wall, immediately drops the dime on Eve and in a sense blames God himself when he says, “the woman whom thou gavest me, she gave me of the tree, and I did eat.”

Incredulous, God turns to Eve and asks, “What is this that thou has done?” Eve, taking a cue from Adam, passes the buck onto the chatty snake. “The serpent beguiled me, and I did eat.” God now turns his attention towards said serpent, who apparently walked upright before this infraction because God punishes him by letting him know that “upon thy belly shalt thou go, and dust shalt thou eat all the days of thy life.” Eve does not get off lightly either. Her sentence is labor pains during child birth and subservience to Adam in her duty as his wife until she dies. Thus ending the short lived utopian unity between the sexes.

For Adam’s participation in the crime he as well as Eve, are made mortal. His eternal life whittled down to a paltry 930 years. (As the second person, and first woman ever made, Eve’s longevity was apparently not noteworthy as her life span is not mentioned anywhere in the Bible.) It is interesting to consider that God made it quite clear that if they were to eat from the tree of knowledge of good and evil that they would die. In fact, he said, “thou shalt surely die.” And yet this does not happen. However, there are things worse than death and God makes this abundantly clear to them with the balance of their punishment.

They are exiled from the Garden of Eden and told in no uncertain terms that the free ride was over. God lets them know that they would now have to labor for their food. This meant that if they wanted veggies they would have to work the land and if they wanted meat they would have to hunt and kill it. (It is unclear as how they came about their meals prior to this. Perhaps there were waiters in Eden or maybe animals would offer themselves up for dinner like the creatures at Milliways, in Douglas Adam’s “The Restaurant at the End of the Universe.”) They were also told that this was not a temporary arrangement. In fact, they were told that things would go on this way “til thou return unto the ground; for out of it wist thou taken: for dust thou art, and u to dust shalt thou return.” In addition to the cancellation of their meal plan they also learned that they would now experience sickness and disease. And finally, just in case they didn’t get the message that it was a very bad idea to trifle with his forbidden fruit, their souls, and the souls of their offspring would be indelibly stained with original sin for which they would burn for all eternity in hell. At least until they made things right with God, or he got over himself.

Graciously, these punishments are then foisted upon all of mankind for eternity or until such time that the trumpets of the four horsemen should blow. As a result, in the eyes of the church we are all accused, tried and convicted of a crime we never committed before we are ever glints in the eyes of our fathers. It makes perfect sense right? Okay, moving on…

God then clothes his two castaways with “coats of skins” and curiously in Genesis 3:22, “And the Lord God said, behold, the man is become as one of us, to know good and evil: and now, lest he put forth his hand, take also of the tree of life, and eat, and live forever.” Become one of us? There is that pluralization again. This is clearly a vestige of the Bible’s polytheistic pagan origins. (That or the mouse in the pocket theory holds water.)

In Genesis 3:24 God officially gives them the boot, “So he drove out the man; and he placed at the east of the garden of eden Cherubbims, and a flaming sword which turns every way, to keep the way of the tree of life.” This dual angel, multidirectional burning armament security system pretty much insured that they or anyone else for that matter would never return to Eden.

Before we leave page two we encounter Genesis 4, which begins the chronicles of Adam and Eve’s post Eden life, “And Adam knew Eve his wife; and she conceived, and bare Cain, and said, I have gotten a man from the Lord.” It is important that we understand that the word “knew” obviously means to copulate. This understanding will help us to identify the depravity of certain tales to come on following pages. For now we turn our backs to the Garden of Eden and page two. As we adventure on to page three we shall learn of people with improbable life spans and about the first case of sibling rivalry and how it goes terribly awry.

May Zeus preserve you!

13 PAGES DEEP: PAGE ONE

 "THE SPACE TIME CONUNDRUM"

"Whenever we read the obscene stories the voluptuous debaucheries, the cruel and torturous executions, the unrelenting vindictiveness with which more than half the bible is filled, it would be more consistent that we call it the word of a demon rather than the word of God. It is a history of wickedness that has served to corrupt and brutalize mankind; and, for my part, I sincerely detest it as I detest everything that is cruel."

- Thomas Paine, Age of Reason, Part 1 

Page one. This is where we find Genesis, first book of the Old Testament. It is said  to be written by Moses and contains a written account of his death and other events that occur long after  his demise. (Talk about ghost writing.) Most literary scholars believe that Genesis was written by at least three different parties, and that it is mostly an inconsistent patchwork of Babylonian, Egyptian and Hebrew myths dating from about the tenth to fifth centuries BC. By and large, it is a tale of sin and man's failure to walk the line, resulting in his subsequent alienation from God. For some reason, this all powerful entity, who allegedly created the Earth and balance of infinity from nothing just can't get his pesky humans to obey the house rules.

Genesis begins with the three most famous words in literary history, "In the beginning..." But is it really the beginning? Now Moses (or whoever) does not toss an exact date at us here, but if you were to start at Joesph and work you your way backwards through all the begetting to Adam, we come up with a little more than 6,000 years. Without getting to technical here, let's just say that there are a few radio active isotopes that beg to differ with this figure . A figure that is merely off by about 4.5 billion years. It has been said that believing this juvenile age for the Earth is the equivalent of believing that the distance between New York and Los Angeles is 7.2 yards. When you consider that it would take you 31 years, 251 days, 7 hours, 46 minutes and 39 seconds just to count to one billion, you begin to see how bad an accountant Moses would make.

If you live in the United States, you have to somehow live comfortably knowing that 40-50% of your fellow citizens believe in this young age for the Earth. And that those same citizens have the right to vote and make other important decisions that may effect you and your country. But I digress. The scope of this essay is not to enter into scientific or social dissertation, I simply lack  the faculties. Like Socrates, I am just smart enough to realize that I am dumb. Having said that, I will be compelled from time to time to point out some of the glaring, elementary blunders perpetrated in the Bible's text. So, back to this business of creation...

Genesis continues basically with God turning on the lights, dividing said lights from the darkness, naming the "lighty" part day, the darker part night, swishing water about, and dividing up from down. The up part he names Heaven, the down side gets divided once again by dirt and becomes land and the balance of the water he names the seas. All of this gets hammered out in two days and in his own obviously biased opinion, God decides it's all "good." Day three dawns and God decides to spruce the place up with some shrubbery. He lays down grass, spreads around seed bearing herbs, and plants fruit trees whose fruit bear their own seeds, (screw you, Monsanto.) and because landscaping is a such a ball busting job, God then calls it a day.

On day four we find God back to the business of sorting out outer space and it's illumination for the purpose of delineating days, nights, years and the seasons. He then tosses in the Sun and the Moon at this point, "And God made two great lights; the greater to rule the day, the lesser to rule the night." And almost as an afterthought: "He made the stars also." We arrive at Genesis 1:19 as day four winds down with God assessing this sun for day/moon for night arrangement and predictably declaring it also "good." But it's not good. It's painfully bad actually. Besides a gross miscalculation of the Earth's age by orders of magnitude, there are some basic science problems here that would make a fourth grader blush. . For example, God whips up light and dark after water, yet before the Sun. Unless your the type of person who spends most of their time following the trials and tribulations of the Kardashians, you may be aware that the reason we have night and day is because of the Earth's rotation as it follows it's heliocentric orbit around the sun. You may also know that the Sun is much older than the Earth, and the Earth's water for that matter. Should we mention the small detail that 2,600 years before Adam and Eve were said to be created , the Chinese people already had an established culture, written language and their own written history? 

So on to Genesis 1:20. Now things really heat up as God creates life for the first time. Oddly, he starts with whales, or at least out of “every living creature that moveth,” they are the only creatures that are referred to by name. They are followed by, or simultaneously made with many other creatures when God says, “Let the waters bring forth abundantly the moving creature that have life, and fowl that may fly above the Earth in the open firmament of heaven.” God reflects for a moment on these creatures and yep, you guessed it, he called them “good.” He then blesses all of these creatures in Genesis 1:22 and then spices things up by instructing them all to “be fruitful, and multiply.” Now the creatures of the world begin to beget and fill the seas and land. This brings us to Genesis 1:23 which informs us that day five is now in the book or, good book as it were.

As day six begins, God answers the question, “Where’s the beef?” by conjuring up cattle, creepy-crawly things, and presumably every else past whales, fish and birds. (With the exception of marsupials, which are omitted from the Bible because the authors are unaware of their existence, or even Australia for that matter.) Do I have to tell you what he thought about these things when he was done?

Well cue the dramatic music because day six is also the day God creates man! In Genesis 1:26 God says, “Let us make man in our image, after our likeness: and let him have dominion over...” wait, what? Did he say “OUR”? Did God create a mouse in his pocket? Who the hell else is with him? Does this refer to the Holy Trinity mumbo jumbo? As far as I remember from religion class, aside from frequent beatings, past God himself, one of those guys would be a ghost. The other would be Jesus- who wouldn’t be born yet for about 4,000 years. We know from paintings and other imagery that Jesus looks like Brad Pitt in “Legends of the Fall” and that God, an older white haired version thereof, but what the hell does the ghost look like? Anyone? Alright, moving on...

Where were we? Oh yeah, Genesis 1:27, which sounds more like Dr. Suess wrote instead of Moses. It goes, “So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them.” Which reminds me of, “They come out of a box, Thing 1 and Thing 2, They do not say much, Just How do you do?” Sorry, I could not resist. So God blesses Thing 1, er, I mean Adam and Eve and tells them to also ”Be fruitful and multiply, and replenish the Earth, and subdue it: and have dominion over the fowl of the air, and over every living that moveth upon the Earth.” In other words, get it on!

And what better way to get in the mood for populating the entire planet then kicking back and mellowing out with some tasty buds? We shall see very shortly that this God of the Old Testament can be petty, vindictive and very cruel. And when he’s not acting like a teenage girl, He is a blood thirsty genocidal maniac. Yet, at this moment, he is a most benevolent benefactor and gracious host to the very first humans. He has instructed them to fornicate and make sustenance of any creature on land or sea that they may desire to eat. He then tells them, more or less, that they can get stoned, and not in the traditional biblical way.

Dude, pass the Genesis 1:29 where it is written, “And God said, Behold, I have given you every herb bearing seed, which is upon the face of all the Earth, and every tree, in which is the fruit of a tree yielding seed: to you it shall be for meat.” Take note government officials who sanction the wildly ineffective war on drugs, the very book you swear upon in court in sentencing a man to jail for smoking a plant, contains permission from God himself to freely make use of all herbs! Further permission to partake in what we now call schedule one activity is extended to all animals in Genesis 1:30, “And to every beast of the Earth, and to every fowl of the air, and to everything that creepeth upon the Earth, wherein there is life, I have given every green herb for meat: and it was so.” Behold, the first “party animals.”

Chapter one of Genesis ends as day six fades out, and God, who is looking back on all he has made, the Earth, the seas, the heavens, (complete with day and night lights.) and upon man and beast alike, who are free to eat whatever they like while fornicating and getting high, decides that it is all indeed, “Very good.”

In chapter two, God decides to take a siesta. Apparently, this business of fabricating the universe is very tedious work, such that God blesses the seventh day and declares that it be “sanctified” and hence forth used as a day of rest and Bingo.

This brings us to the conclusion of the infamous story of how God created everything. Scientifically speaking, it is wildly inaccurate to say the least. Yet nearly half of the people in this country and others all over the world buy this story , and do so with hook, line, and sinker. They have to. It is the very foundation of their faith. They also willingly subscribe to the inane notion that rather than reveal himself to the cultured people of the world, God chose to bestow his wisdom upon illiterate goat herders. It is the nature of the book though. The Bible is bursting with stories so fantastical that not even if she had lost all of her money gambling, J.K. Rowling wouldn’t use any of them in a Harry Potter book for fear of being to unrealistic.

In Petersburg Virginia, there is a 70,000 square foot Biblical theme park called “The Creation Museum.” It features a display with children playing with dinosaurs in a laughable attempt to assuage the daunting time line problem dinosaurs present for the bible. Some “scholars” have suggested that they are mentioned in the Bible, living side by side with man. This despite having existed and succumbing to extinction millions of years before man walked the Earth. Perhaps prehistoric cave artists universally thought that horses and cows made for the most interesting subjects to paint and spared us the more mundane images of giant reptilian monsters. Of course, if you find this notion too silly, you could always side with the “Young Earth Creationists” who contend that dinosaurs never existed at all, and that their bones were placed in the ground by Satan to test our faith.

Ugh.

Now, at this point as we finally finish page one, either God forgets that he made man already, Moses is just really terrible at dictation, or more than likely the narrator back pedals here to bring us some of the more amazing details of man’s initial assembly. Whatever the reason, after this declaration in Genesis2:4 “These are the generations of the heavens and of the earth when they were created, in the day that the Lord God made the earth and the heavens” it is written, “And every plant of the field before it was in the earth, and every herb of the field before it grew: for the Lord God had not caused it to rain upon the earth, and there was not a man to till the ground.” So, presto-magico, a mist shoots up from the ground and waters the earth and then, “...the Lord God formed man of the dust of the ground, and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life; and man became a living soul.” Well, Darwin be damned! We should take note that God is now being referred to as “Lord” which may be indicative of the multi-authored piecemeal construction of the Bible. Or perhaps it could be quite possibly that God, who created the world with tenants, has become the first “landlord.”

As we finally finish with the absurdity of page one and prepare to move on to page two, I am reminded of a quote from the late and very great Christopher Hitchens, “That which can be asserted without evidence, can be dismissed without evidence.” Sage advice indeed as we are about to learn of a magical garden with a talking snake, a tree whose fruit makes the awareness of nudity shameful, and angels with flaming swords. We shall also see why it is a very bad idea to disobey God.

Until then, may Zeus preserve you!