13 PAGES DEEP: PAGE THREE

"It's Not My Turn To Watch Him."

 "If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed."
Albert Einstein

Page three is partly the story of Cain and Able and mostly a list of who beget who. We will touch upon this list of proliferation and unbelievable lifespans, but first the more juicy tale of jealousy and murder. Cain and Able share the unique distinction of being the first two "naturally" born people on Earth. However, that is where the similarities stop. If Abel was a little bit Country, Cain was definitely a whole lot Rock n Roll.

The first pregnancies had to have been a harrowing experience. Adam and Eve would have been clueless and thus terrified of the situation. (Although they presumably would have learned a few things from the first pregnancy, such as that the baby could or at least should be separated from the umbilical cord.)  Imagine Eve's plight though, nine months pregnant with no midwife and a bound duty to be subservient to her husband, Adam. To make matters worse, God had enhanced the pain of child birth as part of punishment for her fruit snack . I did not detail it earlier but the exact words in Genesis 3:16 were, "...I will greatly multipy thy sorrow and thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children..." We should wonder how "greatly" he multiplied it and whether or not dispensing a 9-15 lb baby from one's vagina was originally intended to be a painless affair.

Eve may have been even more apprehensive about the success of these births if she could have been aware of a magical place called "Limbo." That very special realm that Catholic priests would invent thousands of years after her lifetime, (and millions of years after the actual first woman.) The practice of Baptizing infants is not mentioned anywhere in the Bible, except perhaps indirectly where on two different occasions where households were Baptized. (1 Corinthians 1:16 & Acts 10:24-48) Yet Theologians felt compelled to come up with some explanation as to what may or may not happen to innocent souls who pass into oblivion un-baptized. As a result, Catholic priests have taught since at least the time of Augustine (354-430) that when babies died, because they were free of personal sin and yet still bore the stain of original sin on their tiny souls, they would go to an eternal waiting room. Opinions on the status of babies in limbo vary in description from existing in a "state of maximum natural happiness" to receiving "mild punishment."

The word punishment, mild or otherwise always makes me nervous where religion and the Bible are concerned. Take the case of what happened to the poor sot in Numbers 15:32-36 who had the miserable misfortune of being discovered gathering sticks on the Sabbath. When the sons of Israel caught him in the act they detained him and brought him to Moses and Aaron. Moses was unsure how to go about administering justice for such a heinous crime so he turned to the expert on punishment, the Lord God. "And the Lord said unto Moses; the man shall be surely put to death: all the congregation shall stone him with stones without the camp." So quite naturally, "...all the congregation brought him without the camp, and stoned him with stones, and as he died; as the Lord commanded Moses."

This was not just a random instance of God having a bad case of the "Mondays." In a conversation with Moses that takes place in Exodus 31:14-16 he makes it perfectly clear that the death penalty for all those who work on the Sabbath shall be his law forever- "Ye shall keep the sabbath therefore; for it is holy unto you: eveyone that defileth it shall surely be put to death: for whosoever doeth any work therein, that soul shall be cutoff from amongst his people. Six days may work be done; but in the seventh is the sabbath of rest, holy to the Lord: whosoever doeth any work in the sabbath day, he shall surely be put to death. Wherefore the children of Isreal shall keep the sabbath, to observe the sabbath throughout their generations, for a perpetual covenant."

We shouldn't confuse the Sabbath for the day of rest that God took after the creation. The Sabbath is a special day that God gave to his chosen people, the Israelites. It is intended to help them remember the day he delivered them from slavery. So in order to commemorate this great moment in history, (Of which till this day, not even Jewish archaeologists have found a single shred of evidence.) God demands that all Israelites remain in their homes on the Sabbath and not lift a finger to do work. If your neighbors should discover you doing yard work, they will be required to kill you, preferably with stones. This is pretty tight logic. God would like you to take it easy on the Sabbath to reflect upon your emancipation from grave injustice, however, the physical labor of hurling stones at someone to kill them when they don't rest is a perfectly acceptable activity.

Take a brief moment to consider what it might feel like to have people throw rocks at you until you die.

Back to the mild punishment as it pertains to dead babies. In this instance would pertain t the denial of the "beatific vision" and any hopes of ever being able to obtain it. In short, these babies would never see God. At least they are spared the stones. However, Rejoice! There is light at the end of this very long, and darkly disgusting 800 year old tunnel. In 2007, Pope Benedict XVI, after reviewing a 41 page report from the Vatican's Theological Commission, decided that there was no limbo after all. Well, that should certainly help to soothe the souls of those who lived and died for centuries thinking their dead children would never go to heaven.

There are no written accounts of the births of Cain and Abel. No where in the Bible is there any mention of the boy's early development. We don't even know if Eve kept a scrap book. The boys are already involved in their respective careers at the outset of the story. "And Abel was a keeper of sheep, but Cain was a tilller of the ground." So one was a sheep herder and the other was a farmer. They somehow knew that of their herd and crop they should make a sacrifice to God in an attempt to assuage the injustice perpetrated by the talking snake and their hungry "help meet" mother.

The details of these offerings are described in Genesis 4:3 "And in process of time it came to pass that Cain brought of the fruit of the ground as an offering unto the Lord." And in Genesis 4:4 : "And Abel, he also brought of the firstlings of his flock and the fat thereof." There is a bit on this first born offering business in Exodus 13:2. It is a tet-a-tet between God and Moses, "Sanctify unto me all the firstborn, whatsoever openeth the womb amoung the children of Isreal, both of man and of beast: it is mine." Since this dark passage was written allegedly by Moses, who was separated in time from Cain and Able by at least two millennia, it therefore could not serve as instruction to the boys. Most believe they learned how to please the Lord from their parents. Yet how would Adam and Eve have known? Did they Ask God, or did he tell them? I know from my own personal experience that if I have to ask my wife- or have to be told by her what makes her happy, it's already a lost cause.

Of the two, God prefers Abel's offerings to those of Cain's. It is unclear why. Perhaps Cain's offering was spoiled or it's portion parsimonious in comparison to Abel's. There is not much information here, but it almost seems like God wanted to instigate trouble between the boys. That, or perhaps God just wasn't into the vegan scene. There is a Bill and Ted-Like reference in Hebrews 11:4 (which may or may not have been written by Paul.)  about God finding Abel's offering "more excellent" than Cain's. God then ascertains through Abel's gift "that he was righteous." Perhaps this is true because he absolutely beams about Abel's sacrifice in Genesis 4:4, "And the Lord had respect unto Abel and his offering." Then he basically pisses on Cain's, "But unto Cain and his offering the Lord had not respect."

Anyone who has ever raised children understands that no matter how bad the finger painting is, you must praise the child. Those with multiple children also know that if one of your kids is a budding Rembrandt, and another is struggling to make stick figures that they both should get equal refrigerator space. Are we not all God's children? Is not Cain basically God's very first Grandchild? There is a disparity in righteousness because Abel was thoughtful enough to needlessly destroy an animal and Cain only offered of his crop? Are we to believe that this caveman mentality is the basis of what is needed to guide our moral compasses today?

So quite understandably "...Cain was very wroth, and his countenance fell." Then God, who is either a sociopath with no gauge for social graces, or is just not too quick on the uptake asks, "Why art thou wroth? And why is thou countenance fallen?" Adding in Genesis 4:7, "If thou doest well, shalt thou not be accepted? And if thou doest not well, sin lieth at the door... " By way of biblical fun fact, this is the first, in over 2,000 mentions of the word sin in the Bible.

In September of 2005, a Danish newspaper called the Jyllands-Posten ran a series of twelve editorial cartoons, most of them depicting the prophet Muhammad. The paper contended that these cartoons were an effort to contribute to the debate pertaining to criticism of Islam and self censorship. Well they opened quite a can of worms to say the very least. The net result was over two hundred deaths, the bombing of the Danish embassy in Pakistan as well as fire being set in the Danish embassies in Syria, Lebanon and Iraq.

After the cartoonist behind one of the drawings, Kurt Westergaard was attacked by an axe-wielding maniac that nearly killed him and his granddaughter, he went under the protection of the Danish Secret Service. He is still under their protection till this very day. So are, incidentally, eighty-seven other men who bear the cosmic misfortune of being named "Kurt Westergaard."

One would think that this would be a golden opportunity for the world to show solidarity against such radical fundamentalism. Or at the very least, a clear cut violation of freedom of speech here in the United States. Our constitutional values did not however, outweigh our fear of maniacal Islamic reprisals. Not a single publication in America ran the cartoons even as an example of the absurdity of the issue. Overwhelmingly, many people who's very livelihoods depend on our first amendment right blamed the Cartoonist and his employer for "inciting" the controversy and subsequent deadly violence.

Pope Benedict XVI, who brought us the stunning limbo revelation condemned them as well stating, "In the international context we are living at present, the Catholic Church continues convinced that, to foster peace and understanding between peoples and men, it is necessary and urgent that religions and their symbols be respected." He also added that "believers of various religions should not be the object of provocations that wound their lives and religious sentiments." I wonder just how wounded the hundreds of people who died unnecessarily over a cartoon felt?

I also wonder if the Pope, or anyone else would condemn God in the same fashion? If anyone, anywhere on earth, or in the universe for that matter could ever possibly be aware that his actions would be the object of provocation and that a life was going to be wounded as a result, wouldn't it be the creator of everything himself? Yet despite his omniscience, God allows the the Cain vs Able situation to come to a head.

It just so happens that Cain is somewhat of an excitable boy and after a chit chat with his younger sibling, "...it came to pass, when they were in the field, Cain rose up against Abel his brother, and slew him." So apparently the first naturally born person on Earth was also the first bat shit crazy murderer. Civilization is off to a great start so far. Who could have known? Oh yeah, God, who asks rhetorically, "...where is Abel thy brother?" And Cain, who is clearly a psychopath feigns ignorance and answers, "I know not: Am I my brother's keeper?" God, clearly undaunted by Cain's sarcasm asks, "What hast thou done? The voice of thy brother's blood crieth unto me from the ground." Creepy.

God comes to the end of his rope with this situation and gets down to doing that which he does best, administering punishment. Since God has to listen to the cries of Abel from the ground he decides to use the ground to punish Cain. In Genesis 14:11-12  he tells him that he is "cursed from the earth..." and that no matter how hard he tries to work the land, it shall bear no crops for him. He shall be forever a "...fugitive and a vagabond..." God's removal of his ability to capitalize on his only skill and the idea that he would be a lonely wanderer prove to be too much for Cain. He whines to God in Genesis 14:13, "My punishment is more than I can bear." And clearly more concerned with his own well being then that of his  murdered brother he continues moaning in Genesis 4:14," Behold, thou hast driven me out this day from the face of the earth; and from thy face shall I be hid; and I shall be a fugitive and a vagabond in the earth; and it shall come to pass, that everyone that findeth me shall slay me."

Okay, let's do a brief headcount here. Let's see, there's Adam, Eve, Cain, and  Abel's body. (which is currently turning into fertilizer in the field.) So we can all imagine a sign right now that reads, "Welcome to Earth, Population 3." So who the hell is Cain worried about that might findeth him and slay him? Well you have to skip ahead a little on the page to Genesis 14:25 which reads, "And Adam knew his wife again," (Again, we see that the word "knew" clearly means to copulate, this will be important later.) "and she bare a son, and called his name Seth: for God, said she, hath appointed me another seed instead of Abel, whom Cain slew."

So how does Seth the replacement kid tell us anything about the mysterious other people that Cain is concerned might do him harm? We must skip just a little further ahead into chapter five for the last clue. Genesis 5:3 tells us that "...Adam lived an hundred and thirty years, and begat a son in his own likeness, after his image; and called his name Seth." So you see, it's all very simple. Adam, who lived for 930 years had a son to replace Abel when he was a spry 130 years old. Since Adam's age at the birth of Cain and Abel is conveniently not mentioned in the Bible, and because Seth is mentioned as "another seed instead of Abel"  and not as child #3, we could easily assume that Adam and Eve could have conceived the boys shortly after their exodus from Eden. This would leave over 100 years for them to have many children who could have then gone on to spawn continuing generations. Ta da!

So rather than pulling out the world's smallest violin and playing it just for Cain, God shows some sympathy for his plight in Genesis 14:15, "And the Lord said unto him,  Therefore whosoever slayeth Cain, vengeance shall be taken on him sevenfold. And the Lord set a mark upon Cain, lest any finding him should kill him." After hearing this, Cain slunk away to malinger "in the land of Nod, on the east of Eden." Eventually Cain finds a wife and  "knows" her. She has a baby named Enoch and together Cain and his wife build a city that they name after their first born. Some critics of the Bible make much of this city building, wondering how just the two of them could construct an entire city. I think it is important to note that cities in that area and in that time would have consisted of little more than tents and campfires. So I am willing to concede that Cain could have built the city of Enoch, especially if you toss in all of his potential cousins who could have been there to lend a hand. Besides, no longer a farmer he would need a new job.

Okay, on to all the begetting. Enoch eventually had a kid named Irad, Irad begat Mehujael, who begat Methuseal, who begat Lamech. Lamech was the first pimp because he was said in Genesis 14:19 to have "took unto him two wives," Adah and Zillah. Adah bare Jabal, Jabal was is said to be the inventor of tents and cattle herding, which completely fucks sideways this timeline, but hey, what if not any of this makes sense? Anyway, Jabal had a brother named Jubal, Jubal invents the harp and organ, which is believed to mean that he invented string and wind instruments, Jubal's other mom Zillah also bare Tubal-cain who was the inventor "of every artificer in brass and iron" and therefore the world's first arms dealer.

 Apparently, Lamech, the pimp, has a beef with another guy who tries to kill him. Lamech kills said dude in self defense and brags to his ladies about it. Adah and Zillah become quite worried about Lamech's safety. Lamech tells them not to worry, he has the situation under control because by his reasoning, "If Cain shall be avenged sevenfold, truly Lamech seventy and sevenfold."  This quote is actually said to be part of an ancient song that was called the "Song of the Sword. " This may be a clue as to what means this hostile stranger died by at lamech's hands. (Don't forget, his son Tubal-cain made weapons.)

 Honestly, this is the only bit of logic thus far that actually does make sense to me. If God would protect Cain against those who might take umbrage with the fact that he killed his own brother in cold blood, surely Lamech can not be blamed for protecting himself. Lamech should feel justified. Now back to the begetting. As previously mentioned, Adam knows his wife again and she bears Seth. Seth has a son named Enos, whose birth takes place about 240 years after the eviction notice at Eden and brings us to the end of chapter four. It also marks a notable occasion. At this time , man starts to call God when they need him. Until this point no one ever initiated conversations with God, they were simply talked to. Thus humbly began the trickle of prayers that by now must rage as a cacophony of billions of prayers that God picks through and decides who shall live, who shall die and who shall win the Super Bowl.

Chapter five is the other half of page three and basically a recapitulation of the earth's original genealogy, beginning with Adam and ending with that great seafarer, Noah. It is a more comprehensive look as it details other offspring and the exact lifespans of individuals. These lifespans average just over 900 years. No explanation is given as to why these antediluvians lived such long lives. We are  somehow supposed to just accept that people used to live for nearly 1,000 years without proper medical care, or even toothpaste. No amount of sarcasm or silliness that I could conjure up would be funnier than what is in this video I found on this Christian Apologist website. It was created by a man named Matt Slick. (I shit thee not) Mr. Slick is the president and founder of the Christian Apologetics and Research Ministry  If you have a moment, click the this link... Matt Slick's "Theory" It is a very short video and is what's commonly known as "found humor."

I have to be honest with you, page three was fun but it has completely worn me out. I have apparently hit the wall where pretending to suspend my disbelief is concerned. I need to take a break and get some rest. And we are definitely going to need a respite in preparing for page four where we will build an ark with a a man who is nearly 500 years old. We will do this because we need to gather two of every living creature on Earth in preparation to weather God's fury and the perfect storm.

Rest well, and may Zeus preserve you!