13 PAGES DEEP: PAGE TWO

"TWO TICKETS TO PARADISE"

"We are stardust."

"We are golden."

"And we've got to get ourselves back to the garden. "

"Woodstock," by Joni Mitchell

Not one to rest on his laurels, God is back in his workshop and even though the entire planet is essentially one big unspoiled garden, he decides to make a special retreat for his very first human. Construction begins in Genesis 2:9, “And out of the ground made the Lord God to grow every tree that is pleasant to the sight and good for food…” As an extra added bonus he tosses in “…the tree of life in the midst of the garden, and the tree of knowledge of good and evil.” Continuing on something like a real estate ad for Eden, Genesis 2:10-14 depicts a lovely river that runs through the garden that then sprouts into four other rivers. “And the name of the first river is "Pison.” That is said to run through “the land of Havilah” where there is not only “gold,” but something called “bdellium” which is an aromatic, myrrh-like gum that oozes from a certain type of tree, and finally “the onyx stone.”

We are then told that “the second river is Gihon,” said to “compassath the whole land of Ethiopia.” Thirdly, there “is Hiddekel: that is it which goeth towards the east of Assyria.” And last, but not least, the eternal “Euphrates.”

Location! Location! Location! It is eminently paramount in real estate, but not so much in the Bible. In this instance it seems to be located at the headwaters of the Tigris and Euphrates rivers. In other places in Genesis it is also found in Iraq, Africa and the Persian Gulf. Further along in Ezekiel it is specifically said to be in Lebanon. Wherever it is at this point, God lays down some ground rules for Adam. He tells him he is free to eat from any tree in the garden “But of the tree of knowledge of good and evil, thou shalt not eat of it: for in the day that thou eatest thereof thou shalt surely die.” It is interesting that Adam, a definite newcomer to the Earth and its biology, is merely warned to stay away from this one tree. We shall learn in a bit that he is offered to freely consume all other plants and animals. It is interesting because we know a little something today that the authors of the Bible seem to be unaware of, and that is that a shit ton of things have adverse effects if eaten. Adverse effects that range from mild discomfort to severe illness to finding out definitively if there is life beyond death.

It can be argued I suppose, once you have suspended enough disbelief to buy the story from the start, that Adam was created immortal and was never intended to leave the Garden of Eden. However, that assumption would lead one to wonder why God would spend six days laboring on an infinite universe to house one little garden. At any rate, Adam appears bored and listless in paradise so God comes up with a remedy. He tries to amuse him by parading a conga line of animals past Adam to see what he would name them. He is hoping that among these creatures, Adam will find a “help meet,” which is a Hebrew term meaning literally “one who helps.” When this game grows tiresome for Adam God decides to make him a playmate and builds him a woman. He puts Adam to sleep and removes one of his ribs. From this rib he creates Eve, who Adam initially refers to simply as “woman.”

This woman, as it turns out is quite a “help meet” indeed. She happens upon a snake in the garden who strikes up a conversation with her. One has to wonder if all animals can talk at this time or just snakes. Eve’s demeanor gives nothing away as she converses with the snake the way she might with Adam. The snake slyly asks, “hath God said, ye shall not eat of every tree in the garden?” Eve lets the snake know about the strict no fruit of the tree of knowledge of good and evil diet God has placed them on. She tells the snake that God said that if they so much as touch its fruit, they would “surely die.” The snake informs her how foolish this sounds, (this coming from a talking snake.) and says that the worse that would happen would be that “your eyes shall be opened, and ye shall be as gods, knowing good and evil.” That evidently sounded good to Eve because right down the hatch went the forbidden fruit. Then, because she is a good helper, she brings some to Adam to for him to eat and he does. As a result they are instantly and painfully aware of their nudity and become so freaked out by this fact “that they sewed fig leaves together, and made themselves aprons” to cover up their naughty bits.

Many believe that this snake is actually Satan. However, while Ezekiel 28:13 says of Satan, “Thou hast been in Eden the Garden of God.” The orthodox view is that this snake was simply the first victim of “the devil made me do it.” Now, upon hearing the voice of God as he strolled “though the garden in the cool of the day” Adam and Eve jump into the bushes to hide themselves. The all seeing creator of everything does not see them and calls out to Adam, “where art thou?” Adam answers, "I heard thy voice in the garden and was afraid because I was naked; and I hid myself.” God demands.”Who told thee that thou was naked? Hast thou eaten of the tree whereof I commanded thee that thou shouldest not eat?” Adam, with his bare back to the wall, immediately drops the dime on Eve and in a sense blames God himself when he says, “the woman whom thou gavest me, she gave me of the tree, and I did eat.”

Incredulous, God turns to Eve and asks, “What is this that thou has done?” Eve, taking a cue from Adam, passes the buck onto the chatty snake. “The serpent beguiled me, and I did eat.” God now turns his attention towards said serpent, who apparently walked upright before this infraction because God punishes him by letting him know that “upon thy belly shalt thou go, and dust shalt thou eat all the days of thy life.” Eve does not get off lightly either. Her sentence is labor pains during child birth and subservience to Adam in her duty as his wife until she dies. Thus ending the short lived utopian unity between the sexes.

For Adam’s participation in the crime he as well as Eve, are made mortal. His eternal life whittled down to a paltry 930 years. (As the second person, and first woman ever made, Eve’s longevity was apparently not noteworthy as her life span is not mentioned anywhere in the Bible.) It is interesting to consider that God made it quite clear that if they were to eat from the tree of knowledge of good and evil that they would die. In fact, he said, “thou shalt surely die.” And yet this does not happen. However, there are things worse than death and God makes this abundantly clear to them with the balance of their punishment.

They are exiled from the Garden of Eden and told in no uncertain terms that the free ride was over. God lets them know that they would now have to labor for their food. This meant that if they wanted veggies they would have to work the land and if they wanted meat they would have to hunt and kill it. (It is unclear as how they came about their meals prior to this. Perhaps there were waiters in Eden or maybe animals would offer themselves up for dinner like the creatures at Milliways, in Douglas Adam’s “The Restaurant at the End of the Universe.”) They were also told that this was not a temporary arrangement. In fact, they were told that things would go on this way “til thou return unto the ground; for out of it wist thou taken: for dust thou art, and u to dust shalt thou return.” In addition to the cancellation of their meal plan they also learned that they would now experience sickness and disease. And finally, just in case they didn’t get the message that it was a very bad idea to trifle with his forbidden fruit, their souls, and the souls of their offspring would be indelibly stained with original sin for which they would burn for all eternity in hell. At least until they made things right with God, or he got over himself.

Graciously, these punishments are then foisted upon all of mankind for eternity or until such time that the trumpets of the four horsemen should blow. As a result, in the eyes of the church we are all accused, tried and convicted of a crime we never committed before we are ever glints in the eyes of our fathers. It makes perfect sense right? Okay, moving on…

God then clothes his two castaways with “coats of skins” and curiously in Genesis 3:22, “And the Lord God said, behold, the man is become as one of us, to know good and evil: and now, lest he put forth his hand, take also of the tree of life, and eat, and live forever.” Become one of us? There is that pluralization again. This is clearly a vestige of the Bible’s polytheistic pagan origins. (That or the mouse in the pocket theory holds water.)

In Genesis 3:24 God officially gives them the boot, “So he drove out the man; and he placed at the east of the garden of eden Cherubbims, and a flaming sword which turns every way, to keep the way of the tree of life.” This dual angel, multidirectional burning armament security system pretty much insured that they or anyone else for that matter would never return to Eden.

Before we leave page two we encounter Genesis 4, which begins the chronicles of Adam and Eve’s post Eden life, “And Adam knew Eve his wife; and she conceived, and bare Cain, and said, I have gotten a man from the Lord.” It is important that we understand that the word “knew” obviously means to copulate. This understanding will help us to identify the depravity of certain tales to come on following pages. For now we turn our backs to the Garden of Eden and page two. As we adventure on to page three we shall learn of people with improbable life spans and about the first case of sibling rivalry and how it goes terribly awry.

May Zeus preserve you!