13 PAGES DEEP: INTRODUCTION

The following is an introduction to a series of blogs I will be posting under the general heading of "13 PAGES DEEP"

 The concept for "13 Pages Deep" came to me while cross referencing the Bible as I read other books that quoted passages from it. While reading these quotes, I would often say to myself, "There is no way in hell this crazy shit is in the Bible." And yet, sure enough there it was. Tales of incest and rape, the sanctioned execution of rape victims, parents offering their kids for sacrifice, slavery, the slaughter of non Israelites, the slaughter of innocent bystanders, the slaughter of everyone on Earth, save for Noah and a few lucky stiffs. Oh, and two of every animal, insect, plant, microbe, and according to the biblical timeline, two of every dinosaur.

 I decided that perhaps I needed to take another, somewhat more detailed look at the Bible. While already familiar with the stories of the Bible, I decided to start at the beginning. My memory of the Bible was a little fuzzy. I did recall that there were some pretty fantastic fairy tales contained within it, and despite this recollection I was flabbergasted just thirteen pages in. The amount of murder, mayhem and debauchery found in those thirteen pages could fill two Sidney Sheldon novels.

 I was raised a Roman Catholic, but that didn't hold. Without going into a long and protracted version of why I am a non-believer, I would instead direct you to read Bertram Russell's beautifully written essay, "Why I Am Not a Christian" and simply add, "Word." ( Click me for Bertram Russell's essay.) I will, however, impart to you the humble beginnings of my doubt. It began with an innocent inquiry in my sixth grade religion class. It had occurred to me how unfortunate it was for people who had the random misfortune of being born in another land and into another faith system. Or, God forbid, (literally) into no faith at all. I felt sorry for them because according to what I was being taught, they were going to burn for all eternity in the fiery pits of Hell.

 A stiff price to pay for an unlucky chance draw of the cards I reasoned. And what was my reward for thinking the situation through and inquiring of the nun who presided over the class what she thought of this obvious injustice? A smart, and instant rap on the knuckles with a yardstick for one. She followed that up with a vivid description of my own imminent eternal damnation and just for good measure threw in an after school detention. I was beginning to develop my own clear grasp on the ill effects of unfair doctrines. Not only were these not the days in which everyone received a trophy just for playing sports, but these were also the times when parents didn't much question a teacher's judgment. Unfortunately, as a result, my sentence was neither commuted or pardoned when I got home. Let's just say that all bets were off between God and I at that point.

 At any rate, here is a brief sampling of some of the nuggets I unearthed in dusty text of my King James edition Bible.  It turns out, there are at least five places in the Bible that advise parents to kill their children should they ever crack wise with them. ( Exodus 21:15, Leviticus 20:9, Deuteronomy 21:18-21, Matthew 15:4-7, and Mark 7:19:5. ) There is also an instance where the good folks of Sodom try to man-rape two angels, ( Genesis 19:5 ) and where Lot tries to quell the situation by offering his two virgin daughters up for rape instead, ( Genesis 19:8, I shit you not. ) ...then, when said virgins fear that they and Lot alone have been spared God's fury and presumed destruction of everyone else on Earth, they decide to repopulate the world by getting their father drunk and taking turns having sex with him, whereupon each gets successfully pregnant. ( Genesis 19:31-36. )

 The Bible is amazing. In fact, it's a lot like an ancient iPhone because it has an app for everything. Not quite sure how to handle your slave girls? In Deuteronomy 21:11-14 you'll find specific instructions on how to prepare any "bond maids" that you might own for sex and marriage. Wondering what you should do if you find a bird's nest in your path? Check out Deuteronomy 22:6-7. How about if your unlucky enough to part ways with your penis here on Earth and are wondering if you may still get into Heaven? Well, there is an app for that too in Deuteronomy 23:1. If You should take the time to check out that last passage you will see just how lucky John Wayne Bobbitt was that the police found his member by the road.

The comedy writes itself and goes on and on without end. "The Greatest Book Ever Written" couldn't, by even the kindest margins, be considered anywhere close to "The Most Mediocre Book Ever Written." It is rife with over 1,300 damning inconsistencies that logically, logistically and factually cancel each other out. A down loadable poster depicting them can be found on Sam Harris's web site "Project Reason." ( Click me for Bible inconsistency poster. ) That alone should be a deal breaker. For me, it's the mind-numbing, diabolical  nature of most of these tales. They bemoan a maniacal, tyrannical dictator God whose despotic and ignorant hand rules absolute. They also make me wonder just how poor my reading comprehension is in that I don't feel "enlightened." 

I am not ignorant to the inflammatory nature of my prose. However, I do not come by my way of thinking easily or in a lackadaisical fashion. I have spent a prodigious amount of time considering the possibility of the existence of a creator being. I have read volumes of books, watched and listened to countless hours of documentaries, testimonials and debates. I have personally engaged others, both religious and non-religious people in conversations on the matter. I have also followed the folly and hypocrisy of revealed religion and it's legacy of lunacy quite closely. I daresay a few harsh words cast in it's direction can hardly weigh against centuries of depravity, slavery, torture murder, and genocide.

Having said that, I am aware that religious people have done, and continue to do good things in the name of religion. One might argue how truly altruistic these deeds are, given the heavenly reward system in place. But why split hairs? I have seen people's faith give them great comfort in times of need and loss. I have also seen children endure and forget all together the mild discomfort of losing a tooth by virtue of monetary compensation from the Tooth Fairy. My point being, that if your belief in Yahweh, Muhammad or The Great Pumpkin brings you fulfillment and peace of mind, then I am happy for you. 

It is when you try to assert that my morality, happiness and/or salvation can only come from your belief system that I must kindly implore you to go fuck yourself. Especially if the way you espouse your divinity is through preaching to AIDS torn Africa that condoms are evil and demonize homosexuals while protecting monstrous child molesters. Likewise if you strap children with explosives and send them into crowded bazaars for detonation, or subjugate women by imprisoning them in burqas, mutilate their genitalia, or murder them in "honor killings." 

Let us take a deep breath step aside from the acrimony of the last paragraph to consider what we have on tap. "13 Pages Deep" will be a look at the first thirteen pages of the Bible where we will wonder at the creation of everything from nothing and traipse through the garden of Eden. We shall witness a murder between two brothers who are at odds over the proper way to please the Lord. We will observe God throw a giant hissy fit and kick over the sand castle of his creation. Then, we will build a very, very special boat. Take a "dark and gloomy" walk with a would-be father and son sacrifice team. We will see that what happens in Sodom and Gomorrah definitely stays in Sodom and Gomorrah! And last, but certainly not least, we will fly our freak flags high and make a booty call with Lot and his daughters.

You can't make this stuff up folks because the people who wrote the Bible already have. I must agree with that which has been said by others many times before me: religion in general was our first, infantile attempt at science and philosophy. Imagine how our humble ancestors, who had no idea that the Earth was round, or that it revolved around the Sun, or that the Sun wasn't a god for that matter, must have been awestruck by their unimpeded view of the cosmos. With no light or smog pollution, it had to have been a breathtaking sight to behold indeed. To say that we know a few things now that they did not know then is perhaps the greatest understatement ever made. Consider the fact that we can hold in the palm of our hands, a device that can provide us with all of the knowledge that has been ever known, should we decide to look it up on our smart phones. When you consider that, you must understand that we would be gods to our ancestors.

I close this introduction with an often quoted piece of literary history. It is from a letter the great German poet Heinrich Heine wrote concerning his conversion from Judaism to Christianity so that he could remain a German citizen: 

“In dark ages, people are best guided by religion, as in a pitch-black night a blind man is the best guide, he knows the roads and paths better than a man who can see. When daylight comes, however, it is foolish to use blind old men as guides.”

Stay tuned for Page One of "13 Pages Deep" coming soon, until then, may Zeus preserve you!